Separate Households

My road to love and marriage at-a-distance involves my life as a battered wife, a single parent, and as a partner in a second marriage at-a-distance. Since 2001, my husband Joe and I have had a fulfilling marriage living forty miles apart in separate households with our teenage children from previous marriages. The road is often bumpy, mainly due to arguments over finances, childrearing, and religion (my daughter and I are Baptists and Joe is Catholic), and arguments involving trust. Despite these differences, Joe and I have managed a successful marriage at-a-distance. Below I describe my background and marriage.

At twenty-three I was completely confused about the direction my life was taking. Though my parents did not divorce until I was eighteen, I was raised primarily by my mother who had tolerated years of turmoil, infidelity, and battery. Consequently, I felt desperate to create the home life I’d never had. When given the opportunity to be with a man I had thought I was in love with as a teenager, I quickly got myself in the “family way” and we were married within weeks. The next three and one half years were filled with painful and violent events that nearly stripped me of all self-esteem and dignity. At the major turning point of my life, I managed the courage to stand up to the man who had abused me for so long and eliminate him from my life through divorce. I know this strength stemmed mostly from the love I felt for my daughter Leah. I specifically recall the day when I looked into her two and one half year-old sweet, innocent face and thought to myself that if I didn’t make a change, I would condemn her to the same life I had chosen for myself and that my mother had brought me into. I realized then that if I didn’t start to love myself again, I would never be able to teach her how to love or be loved. From that moment on, the chain of abuse was broken.

The next eight years were relatively quiet. I dated very little and devoted myself completely to raising my child and building my confidence. During this time I had thought often about simply staying single and raising my daughter without the companionship of a man. However, I began to wonder if this was the best thing for Leah. Being a good mother was vital, but showing her through example what a good marriage with a good man was supposed to be like was something I thought might be more significant. I believed that through positive observation, she might gain a sense of what she wanted for herself in the future.

In 1999, I began working for a lighting manufacturer as the executive assistant to the president of the company. On September 7, 1999 I was introduced to Joe walking out of the office coffee room. As he walked away, the human resources manager whispered to me that he was also a single parent raising his two boys. I felt an immediate attraction to Joe and by December of 1999 I was dating him exclusively.

My relationship with Joe progressed in the usual way; we first only spent time together, eventually introducing one another to the children, and finally, doing things together with the children,

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almost as if we were a family. However, the turning point in our relationship came in February of 2000 when some unusual and disturbing test results came back from my physician, requiring a biopsy and surgical removal of lumps from my breast. I was just thirty-four and I was terrified at the prospect of losing my breast and even my life—this fear completely overwhelmed me. Then Joe sat with me, comforted me, and never left my side for one moment—he truly loved me. Fortunately, my concerns were erased when the masses proved to be benign and a mere three months into our courtship I knew I would love this man for the rest of my life.

One Saturday afternoon in early July of 2001, we were lying around his house relaxing. I had noticed on the wall the plaque Joe received following his graduation from Montclair State University. “Joe Dobosiewicz,” I said aloud, “what a nice name.” It was then and there that he officially proposed marriage to me by offering me his name. It was the most romantic moment I could have ever imagined.

Since we both had been married before, the prospect of a big wedding was completely unnecessary. We decided to pack up the children and elope to Las Vegas for a private ceremony. We spent the next week making preparations, arranging for a chapel, a photographer, wedding clothes, and hotel reservations. We never once told anyone of our plans. On the morning of our flight, we first told our three children where we were going and why. Their initial concern naturally was regarding living arrangements. We explained to them that we felt it was best for them to leave everything the way it was. Joe, along with Joey and Bobby, would keep their residence in Linden and Leah and I would keep ours in Mahwah. No one would have to move and we would essentially have what is commonly referred to as a “commuter marriage,” at least until they graduated high school. It was our sincere belief that the needs of our children outweighed our needs at the time and so they would have to be the priority. We felt our love and commitment toward one another was strong enough to carry us through the years to come.

Almost five years later, after our marriage on July 15, 2001, our beliefs are still the same. Our children are now in high school and I feel they are healthier for our sacrifice. My stepsons confide in me, respect me and share with me many aspects of their lives regarding friends and school that, had they been forced to make a change and move away from their home, may not have been the case. Leah loves her stepfather and has even remarked that he has been more of a father to her than her biological father. Neither Joe nor I are trying to take the place of the former spouse with regard to parenting of one another’s children, however, friendships between step-parent and step-child have developed; a level of respect has become evident over the years that can only be attributed to our decision to live separately. On one hand that is remarkable, as it seems unusual for step-children to be so close to the step-parent. On the other hand, I believe that the sacrifice Joe and I made actually strengthened the family by not tearing the children away from the lives they felt secure in before the marriage.

Now, in the year 2006, Joe and I still live separately and we will continue to do so at least until Bobby, our youngest, graduates high school in 2009. There are many challenges in this arrangement: the continuing added cost of maintaining two households, the pressure of my returning to school full time while continuing to work to support my household, often burdening Joe for financial support, and the belief of our families that this arrangement will never work. Also, there are the differences in opinion regarding the raising of our three children, as they transitioned from respectable adolescents to sometimes rebellious teens. Keeping it all together is not easy and sometimes we don’t succeed.

Joe and I argue and occasionally the battle verges on an unhealthy situation as living separately makes ignoring one another convenient. When couples live together I am told it is not likely they will go to bed angry. In our case, since we rarely sleep in the same bed, or even the same house, it is easy to have an argument and not make up for several days. That is where the burden comes in and the real challenge starts. For us, the challenge is simply in keeping the lines of communication open when we are angry, especially when the forty-mile distance affords the perfect opportunity to simply ignore one another. At these times we both feel like completely separate people, not

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even in a marriage at all: I have to remember how important it is for us to get past our differences and simply work out the issues. Since I’m the type of person who will generally fly off the handle and he is the type of person who will lay back and take it, it doesn’t really make for a fair balance. Yet, he forgives me for my faults and I forgive him for his. So far, there hasn’t been an argument between us that was not resolved by some good face-to-face communication.

Perhaps one day, after the children have all gone on to college, Joe and I will consolidate our homes into one. We really haven’t discussed that much because the idea always seemed so far away. The truth is, I don’t want to leave Mahwah and he doesn’t want to leave Linden. The realization that one of us will eventually need to make the sacrifice if we are ever going to cohabitate actually scares me. I’ve always believed that one day we would live together but, as the years pass, I wonder if we won’t. Joe and I have a wonderful life as a married couple, sharing many interests and friends. We have wonderful but brief times together that I look forward to with anticipation. We also enjoy our separate interests. Joe plays golf with friends fairly regularly and even occasionally takes a trip to North Carolina to play for the weekend. I have my personal interests and love the time I have to spend alone. My biggest fear regarding changing our current situation is that living together will eliminate that feeling of anticipation. I wonder if resentment toward one another will develop: I just don’t know. Marriage is demanding enough without the added obstacles and I like my marriage exactly the way it is in our separate households.

I believe there are certain elements to marriage of any kind that will help to keep it strong regardless of the living arrangements. For example, Joe and I talk to one another on the telephone every morning when we wake up and every evening before going to sleep. Sometimes these conversations consist of nothing more than “have a good day.” Sometimes they are in much more depth. Usually we talk about school, work, our families, the children, upcoming social events, friends, our health, vacations, money, feelings, worries and concerns. We discuss our trust in one another and sometimes the lack of trust in one another. We argue, we make up and argue again. But at the end of the day, we find that we have a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of mutual love and respect. This is more than most marriages residing under one roof can boast and I am so proud of our relationship. I’m not sure what the future will bring or what will happen when our children finally graduate high school and we have the opportunity to live together. To that I can say only this: I like to believe that the closeness of our distance through communication is what provides us with the strength now and is exactly the ingredient which will sustain us throughout our future together. Despite the lack of tradition in my marriage, it is still one that I believe in with a passion—even from a distance.

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