On the “Edge of My Seat” in Fear

I keep wondering why I am so intentional about watching the news, sometimes for hours. Does it serve as a defense against fear? Or does it soothe my fear? Is it a fear of “not knowing”? Or the drive of “needing to know”?

Most obviously, being a first-generation American born of German Jews who escaped the Nazis, the rise of antisemitism has a déjà vu fearsome quality to it and a compulsion to know how vul-

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nerable I or my children or grandchildren might be. Over 30 members of my parents’ extended family died in concentration camps solely because they were Jews.

My list of fears? The electric grid going out. The next congress throwing us into even worse destruction than we’ve already experienced since “the former guy” emerged from the shadow of birth certificate craziness. Women going underground. Hate winning over love. COVID taking over. Mother Earth revolting more at our abuse. The stock market plunging. Breathing polluted air. Here in Colorado, running out of water. Getting sick. Dying—how?

I turn to equanimity these days to counter my fears. Balancing love and compassion, humility and self-care. Wanting to know wins out over whatever fear is lurking underneath. Perhaps it’s just more interesting to me than keeping up with technology or watching another series. These are the days—unfortunately—of government being a dark yet fascinating public “soap opera,” and I begin each one wondering what has happened while I was asleep, fearing I missed something important and pertinent. I’m on the “edge of my seat” with curiosity.

Then I look west and see the majestic Rocky Mountains, and for some moments, all is still.

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