Women Face Obstacles to Having It All

One of the first issues that I dealt with when I joined the United Nations was the question of the equality of women. In 1975, preparations were being made for the first world conference on the status of women in Mexico. My supervisor held meetings at which I was privileged to meet such luminaries as Gloria Steinem and Bella Abzug. The discussions centered on women enjoying their civil and political rights and having the opportunity to reach the same career levels as men as well as having a family.

I was surprised at the discussions about women not being able to “have it all”—marriage, children, and a career. I was taken aback because I came from a developing country which had appointed me one of the first diplomats for the Government of Guyana and now I was in a post at the UN which put me in the professional ranks with all the possibilities of moving upwards. At that time, it didn’t seem to me that moving ahead would be such a prob-

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lem, but then I didn’t understand the UN system of promotions. The main point is that I had felt that I and other women could “have it all.”

After all, my mother was the example par excellence. She had a career in early childhood education, ran her own kindergarten, had six children, and engaged in many activities relating to church and social work. Perhaps there was a rivalry between her and my father—he also had many outside activities besides his all-consuming job. In the home, it was my mother who urged my father to buy our house and advised him how to go about it; she was the motivator in many such practical things. So I had the vision of a strong woman who knew how to forge ahead with what was necessary.

During the 1950s and 1960s Guyana was moving from colonial status to independence and it seemed that we could all attain goals if we had the education. That was the key. I never imagined that I wouldn’t have a career. The question was just what kind of career. The future I saw for myself was a position in the civil service, having a lovely home with a garden and husband and children. What I did not see at the time and only later recognized was the price I paid for emphasizing my career at the expense of my personal/emotional life; I was on a ladder and I wanted to climb it and compete with others for the next position. After all, I covered many bases on the statistics for women which counted toward advancement: a woman, from a developing country, speaking both French and English and seen as proficient. Besides, I enjoyed my work, apart from the infighting, and the travel it entailed. Finding a partner was something I felt would happen and I did not need to be too proactive about it. Each year on my birthday until I was 45 years old my mother would ask, “Anyone special Joan?” and I would recount meeting men who were interesting and as committed to their careers as I was to mine, but who as diplomats could not marry out of their nationality. My mother, who had it all, was invested in seeing me married and providing her with grandchildren, and she could not see what stood in my path.

Yet, as the only unmarried daughter of three, it was to me that my mother turned for emotional and financial support. In West Indian families the unmarried daughter had a certain role to play and it didn’t matter that I was living and working thousands of miles away, I still was expected to fulfill that role. Many of my Western colleagues found it hard to understand that I contributed to

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my parents each month, nor was I the only one, so too did those from Africa and the Philippines. Had I lived in Guyana I would have lived at home until I married, whereas in the United States young people were expected to leave home and find an apartment after college. During the years of my UN career, I did not wonder if and how my personal life was being affected by the particular job I was doing, as the trusted “special assistant” to the head of a department or as head of a division, working long hours and ensuring that all was in perfect order. I did not see that my career was taking over my whole existence and that I did not “have it all.”

Despite the example of my mother, I had put myself in the background of my work and family instead of putting myself in the forefront of the picture. At this stage in retirement it has been a difficult journey learning to bring myself and my wishes forward and not defer to serve the needs of others.

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