Some Fears and Anxieties in My 80s

At 82.5, I face my end at some unknown but near, now imaginable time. Though in good health and fitness for my age, I am unlikely to be able to walk up hills for many more years, even creeping with sticks.

Where and how do I live in these years if I do get them? I’m building a house in the unspoiled, hilly countryside in Vermont on the site of an old farmhouse and its pastures. Although encouraged to live in Philadelphia where my daughter and family are and enjoying regular visits with my son and his wife near Cambridge, MA (our current home), I do not want to live in either place most of the time.

When I bought the Vermont property 20 years ago, only the stone foundations for the house and barn bore witness to its early 19^th century use. Thus, my new house project is not destroying

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more countryside, a lifetime’s top concern. Since early adolescence, I’ve agonizingly witnessed and spent decades trying (in different ways) to halt the endless destruction of the countryside for suburbs, roads, and accommodation of motor vehicles due to unsustainable, shortsighted, and absolutely blinkered zoning—instead of thoughtful planning. I have always understood my horror and fears about what’s been happening to the environment as linked to the loss of what makes up its high quality: substantial space for the preservation of nature and lovely environments for all to live in. I’ve long greatly feared the mentality that is shaped growing up amidst the unavoidable utter ugliness of too many regularly traversed parts of America. Now I see that these concerns and many related others have led, monumentally tragically for all, to the climate crisis. To put it mildly, I worry for my children and grandchildren.

I have two other major fears. One is about living in my new place, an area of Vermont that I know pretty well: being alone so much. My husband is iffy about how much time he wants to spend there, so for now, we are keeping our place in Cambridge. Perhaps we’ll return each month. Luckily, more and more I quite like being alone—but not for too long! I hope I can cope with a dog. I aim to become more spiritually connected to nature. Family and friends will visit, though none lives within less than a few hours’ drive! I have a few friends in the village and further afield in Vermont, and I hope to enter into new activities there.

My other major fear is being unable to find a reliable and tolerable enough way to die when I am ready to. I do not want to be a burden on my family or society. I want to be able to prepare my meals and amble ever so slowly around my land. I have no wish to live forever. I am not up for more surgeries and recovery times. I’ve signed the usual documents about terminating medical treatment. Yet… I fear that the sole entirely legal way, one that gives me control, is to fly to Switzerland and in the process add carbon to the atmosphere?! It is an outrage.

Yes, at 82.5 years old, I have had a very full life—one that has both been more satisfying and more wanting than expected. I am very grateful for it.

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