Denial and Childhood Fantasies of Aging and Death (letter to the editor)

Dear Editor,

The maturity of the authors in the March Art, Creativity, and Psychology of Aging Special Issue of Clio’s Psyche was impressive, especially in regards to their apparently realistic acceptance of the aging process. The various authors demonstrated how advanced age may lead to wisdom and a positive perspective on life itself. In reflecting on these articles, I am in across the board agreement. Yet, as I pondered the topic, I remembered my friend Edith.

When I visited her in the hospital, Edith was in a coma and, according to the doctor in charge, near death. Before leaving, on an impulse, I held her hand and pulled on her thumb, without any awareness as to why I had done this. That night after a dream I did not remember, I realized that pulling her thumb had the unconscious meaning of bringing her back to life. My usually loving older brother also had a cruel streak. In a game he invented he would act as if he were dying, pleading with me to pull his thumb so that his life would not end. As a six-year-old I remember being confused and anxious about his pleading, as a part of me realized it was silly. Yet I always gave in, just in case.

Recently I returned from my wife’s native country of Taiwan where there is great respect shown for the aged. When nine or ten of us would go out for a many-course dinner, it was the oldest at the table honored by always being the first to taste each course. Yes, I was always served first and I would be assured that my meal was hot. However, another custom is that the oldest generally pays the bill. Understandably, I eventually became less than enthusiastic about this expensive custom.

We traveled by train many times a day to get around Taipei City that was almost always crowded. Unlike in America, there is priority seating for the disabled, pregnant women, and the elderly. However, I was shocked and angry at being offered a seat on my first train-ride by a middle-aged woman. By showing how insulted I was that she thought I could not stand up comfortably, I handled it badly. This was in contrast to Sander Breiner, “A Psychoanalyst/Psychohistorian Looks at Aging,” who on a hot day graciously accepted an unwanted-ride by a young woman when he was walking near his home. The offer was attributed to his advanced age. At a past time I suspect he would have wished for a different motivation.

To avoid a repetition of being offered an unwanted reminder of my age, I learned to spryly swagger when I entered a train and it often worked; yet I still was offered a seat now and then. However, on our last day, carrying bundles, we were late and ran to catch a train, panting and out of breath. No one got up!

Yes, aging is confusing. Freud wrote of the time he was on a train and saw an old man sitting in the next compartment. He was then shocked to realize that he had seen himself in the reflection of the train window. Thus he acknowledged that aging and denial sometimes go hand in hand.

As Michael Isaacs wrote in “A Relocated Psychoanalyst Reflects on Aging,” death is often a taboo topic in psychoanalysis. I was impressed that Paul Elovitz used the word “death” over and

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over again in his call for papers on the topic of the psychology of death and dying. Death is a confusing topic since no one knows what it actually is and it is certainly scary to contemplate the end to all we know. Freud stated that we cannot actually picture our own death.

There are many metaphors and euphemisms for the term. I came up with a dozen that put death in a rather positive light. They are: pass on, go to a better place, leave this earth, depart this life, check out, eternal rest, final chapter, to the great beyond, meet you maker, rest in peace, kick the bucket, out of your misery. They all sound better than the unknown reality of death.

Humor is a good outlet when thinking of aging and death. An aging George Burns, when asked if he still looks at pretty ladies in the street said, “Yes, but I don’t remember why.” Woody Allen mentioned that he doesn’t mind dying. He just doesn’t want to be there when it happens. Ed Koch recently purchased a burial plot at Trinity Church in Manhattan. On his “departure” he offers an open invitation for anyone to come whenever they please.

Sincerely yours,

Neil Wilson

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